What is infidelity?

Infidelity, cheating, straying, having an affair, adultery, unfaithfulness, etc has the potential of breaking up marriages and relationships to such an extent, that it causes immense pain, trauma and even a crisis of identity.

 

What adds to the problem is the fact that the act of straying itself has no universal definition. 

What constitutes cheating? Is being active on Tinder cheating? Is talking to your ex cheating? What about sexting? What about massage with a happy ending or office trips to Thailand? What about flirting? What about emotional affairs? What constitutes emotional affairs?

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Because we don’t have a universally accepted definition of what constitutes cheating, here’s how I define it –  Cheating is defined as the breaking of the explicit or implicit rules of the relationship. Something that has an element of secrecy. Something that involves a sexual alchemy (notice that this is not limited to a narrow definition of physical sex. Sexual alchemy is more on the lines of sexual energy, that involves keeping secrets from your partner). 

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A universal taboo –A universal occurrence – Infidelity is often a domain of married life that is rarely discussed by the couple. Most people in fact will only ever talk about it, in the aftermath of an affair, if it gets caught and if the partners so choose to. And at this point, it is very often, too late. Partners then minimise it, lie about it, hide it or shove it under the carpet in order to move on. This moving on though, is rarely done with respect, kindness or in a manner that is healthy. The idea is to merely survive and keep the marriage intact on paper to maintain the façade. In monogamous relationships that last decades, infidelity crosses path much more often than our society would like to admit. To imagine that it is men who stray and women who endure, is a lie we tell ourselves. 

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Straying is just as prevalent among women as it is among men. The consequence of an affair for the woman is often much more stringent than that for a man. The social pressure on women is to minimise their desire and the social pressure on men is to exaggerate their sexual prowess – and hence, the different perception.  Infidelity has much less to do with sex than popular culture tells us. So, is it possible to come back from an affair? To trust again and have a relationship that was in fact better than before? Is it possible to have the difficult conversations to address the issues within the relationship? Is it possible to investigate why a partner strayed? Fact of the matter is that most people who stray actually maintain and continue the marriage. Few people divorce. And hence, it is important to focus on recovery – which is not only possible, but can also  mean dealing with all sorts of difficulties that were left unaddressed before. Through my sessions about recovering from infidelity, I help couples –

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1. Deal with the immediate crisis at hand – In the aftermath of an affair, tempers run high which can become a breeding ground for additional hassles.

2. Understand the cause of the affair, through investigative questions.

3. Meaning-making phase.

4. Recovering through re-grounding the marriage

5. Exercises in Building trust

6. Practice of love

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Infidelity can either lead to a divorce or a worse relationship. Or it can become the reason why people investigate and work on their relationship to re-commit and make it better.